Do you have a list of qualities for an ideal mate? Some of us have actual written ones, while for others, it’s just a set of attributes we hope to one day find. During a dating seminar we conducted, we asked participants to create their list of all the wonderful things they are searching for in the guy or gal of their dreams. After collecting everyone’s lists, we read many of them out loud for everyone to hear. Some were sweet, some were hilarious, while some were utterly unrealistic. Some participants had a huge list of more than a couple dozen traits they were looking for. While others cut right to the chase. One person wrote, “My ideal mate looks like Brad Pitt, is compassionate like Jesus, is as brilliant as Einstein, is a leader like Obama, and is as funny as Jimmy Fallon.” Another wrote, “I want someone hot, sexy, gorgeous, stunning, and beautiful!” Another stated, “I’m looking for someone that’s sweet... like chocolate, gentle like a dove, wise like Yoda, but looks like a runway model.” Many expressed their determination to find the one, and declared how they would never settle until they found that special someone.
We posed the question, “If such a person does indeed exist, and you were to find that person described on your list, would that person’s list describe someone like you?” Would you be the one that they’ve been dreaming about?” That’s a sobering thought.
We believe that it is good to have an idea of what you’re looking for. But, we’d say that it is far more important to focus on becoming the person you want to be, rather than finding the one you want to be with. The more important list is not about the qualities you’re looking for, but it’s the list of qualities you are seeking to develop. In other words, we’d suggest that you focus more on becoming the one, rather than finding the one. Not only will this make you more attractive, but it will provide you with a far better picture of what you really want rather than what the world says is most ideal.
It should be noted, however, that becoming the one isn’t about aspiring to be the one for someone else. It isn’t about developing all the attributes that you anticipate is on the list of the one you are pursuing. But, rather, it’s about becoming the one, as in the one and only you.
When you can do this, you get to live your life, and become the you that you want to be, not the you that someone else desires. This is crucial because in becoming the real you, it will be much clearer of who you really want to be with. Here’s the truth of the matter. Even if you become someone’s ideal, and they become your ideal, two ideal people don’t necessarily make an ideal couple. But, in becoming really you, and meeting someone who is also really themselves, there is the possibility of having a real relationship and becoming a real pair. In this article, we’re going to look at what it really looks like to be really you.
“Realize however that too much of anything can destroy you.”
Artisans live boldly, with style. When they want something, they want it now. Life is meant to be a highly orgasmic, thrilling, risky adventure. Life is about the hunt, the chase, and the game. It’s about finding playmates for fun and comrades to take on new challenges. Artisans get bored very quickly. It is hard to keep their attention. You can get them to turn their heads, but it is hard to keep them on course. Slow and steady is not the way of the Artisan. Their ways are fast and furious. Life for them is about the next adventure. They’re always seeking something new, where they live in the moment, for the moment, without worry, fear, or concern for tomorrow. They seek pleasure, thrive in chaos, and live unpredictably. They’re always fishing around, and never grow out of it. The latest, greatest, newest, and hottest, is what catches their eye. They’re too busy playing to ever worry. They stay continuously intoxicated with all that life has to offer. They don’t contemplate, or suffer long.
If you’re an Artisan, here are some non-negotiables for you... Never let the judgments of a self-righteous moralistic authority figure get to you. Your lust for life is the adrenaline that fuels you. Suck the marrow out of life. Take everything you can, whenever you can, and be generous with your bounty. Be crazy! No one who’s ever made a huge impact was ever normal or conventional. Realize however, that too much of anything can destroy you. Be ever aware of your physicality. Know what gives you pleasure and indulge. But, know what your kryptonite is, because an over-dose will kill you. Stay clear of those things that you know make you spiral downward. Find other healthier ways of getting your blood flowing. Take on a fire breathing challenge with big sharp teeth. Give everything you’ve got to slay that dragon. Be the warrior that you are. You have primal instincts. Use them to your advantage.
“...fully embrace the good, bad, ugly, and lovely in your life. .”
These identity seeking, soulful dreamers, seek to live authentically, with meaning and purpose. At Keirsey, we often joke about how an Idealist’s purpose in life is to find their purpose in life. It’s an unending quest that gives meaning to them. Do you see the irony in this? When they do find their purpose, they no longer have a purpose, and therefore, no meaning is left for them. Life is a journey for Idealists, where reaching the destination is not what matters. Idealists want to journey with others, and desire to express their feelings, and empathize with other’s emotions. They yearn to find an authentic connection with someone where they can truly be naked, not merely physically, but to be transparent with their heart and soul. They yearn to find that kindred spirit with whom they can journey together with, to express kindness and compassion to one another. An Idealist becomes the one, as they listen to their own hearts. They become the one as they allow their authenticity to synergize with the universe.
If you’re an Idealist, here’s what we’d say to you....First and foremost, becoming the best possible version of you matters a lot. Your type desires this far more than any of the other temperaments. And being with someone who can understand this, and engage you, in a heartfelt manner makes all the difference. In becoming the real you, we would suggest that you cultivate a rich inner life. That you pay close attention to your feelings. That you fully embrace the good, bad, ugly, and lovely in your life. Feed and nurture your soul. Be loving to you. Cry freely, laugh hard, forgive yourself. Love all of you, rid yourself of anything that is eating away at you. Purify yourself from resentment, guilt, and shame. Embrace yourself. In doing all of this, an Idealist can become an amazing lover, and when you find the one, you’ll have a whole lot of love to give.
“...Achieving, accomplishing, earning your way through life feels pretty damn amazing. . .”
Guardians live to be of service. They are honorable, live respectfully, and seek to be respected. They are calculating, taking precise steps to make sure that they are reliable, and doing what is right. They value others who follow the rules, (because they do) and they seek to be fair to everyone. They want to do things appropriately, and prefer to err on the safe side. They are dutiful, conservative, honor rituals and traditions. Guardians are the most productive of citizens. They take their responsibilities seriously. They make sure to pay their dues, and earn their way. They are ladies and gentlemen, exercising discretion, prudence, and judgment. God, country, family, and work are priorities for them. Play and pleasure is to be earned. Vacations feel better when everything’s been checked off on their to do list. Even on vacation they plan it all out to make sure they get the most out of it.
If you’re a Guardian, we’d recommend the following: First, stop envying your spontaneous, wild, crazy, let loose, drop-all-responsibility kind of friends in your life. You may say, “I wish I could be more like that... to not have any care in the world. And to just be spontaneous.” The truth of the matter is, that you may say that you’d like to be that way, but it’s not really the case. You feel good when you’ve taken care of your duties first. You feel good about being productive. You feel good about being the responsible one. Achieving, accomplishing, earning your way through life feels pretty damn amazing. And that’s awesome! Planning your fun, putting together a schedule, making reservations, doing research on what to do when you’re on vacation... All these things ensure that you’re going to have the experience you want. And you’re going to get the best bang for your buck. This is not lame, it’s not uncool, it doesn’t take away from the adventure. It ensures a good time because it’s all prepped in advance, and there’s no anxiety. You can rest, and relax because you know that everything has already been taken care of.
"Build your reality, and create the future you envision."
These innovative intellectuals don’t believe in dreamy, wishful sentiments. They pursue life knowing that if they are going to get anywhere, they are going to have to make it happen. They seek to be creators of life, taking control of their destiny, and not subjecting themselves to let the wind determine their fate. They seek knowledge in order to advance, and to transcend the limitations of the present. Rationals are visionaries, seeking to be superior to what was yesterday. They see life as being evolutionary, where one must always be evolving. To be human means to set what their purpose will be, and to achieve their aim. They want to move to a higher level, where the past is no more, and the future is always better. Rationals seek to be ingenious, and are driven to be self-defined, self-sufficient, self-disciplined, and self-directed. They value their autonomy. They are persistent in their pursuit of the cutting edge, seeking superiority in everything. They are conquerors of the world. If you’re a Rational, here’s what we’d advise... Use your ingenuity to do something extraordinary. Build your reality, and create the future you envision. Never do anything just because someone says you should. Commit because it’s what you want, and not what others suggest. Don’t pick the safe and easy route, don’t take the conventional path. Bet on yourself, invest in yourself. Think big picture, keep your eye on the future. Set your sights on what others may think is improbable. Never doubt your capabilities. When you get stuck, take a step back and figure it out. When you are lacking, learn what you need to learn, get the help you need. Never give up. Your willpower and brainpower will lead to a breakthrough. Set your objective, do whatever it takes, stick to it no matter what, use that brilliant mind of yours, and success will be yours.
Idealists love to be in love. They yearn to find their soulmate, the perfect one that’s meant for them. They believe in signs, destiny, romance, and true love. They love to love others, so they love to date.
Loving unconditionally is about total acceptance of the other. It means accepting the good, the bad, the lovely, and the ugly. And let’s face it, that’s hard to do!
